I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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