Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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