We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
