kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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