that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
