Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
