First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
high people should be assigned attendants
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
