i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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