sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
