Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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