Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
