and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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