im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
