I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
