If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
