she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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