why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
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He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
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Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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