i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
