Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
