Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
