im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
