did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
