a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
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I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
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I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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