I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
