I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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