could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
