you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
