What a fucking waste of an outfit
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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