we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
