i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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