I'm gonna have a badass scar
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.