Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
