I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
