Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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