im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
