I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
