Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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