I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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