you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
