Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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