my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
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we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
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someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick