I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
The police scanner is talking about you again....
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major