Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
