I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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