You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
