This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
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Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
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I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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