If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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