it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
