my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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