It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
