I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
