i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
