I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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