She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
