You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
