i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
where does the pee come out of this thing
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
