It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
