Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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