as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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