i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
